Self sabotage is basically when you do something knowing that the outcome is going to make you feel ten times worse. And we’re all guilty of it. It’s like when you’re feeling like absolute shite, but you’re sort of adoring it, and you secretly love that you’re wallowing all day. So instead of making yourself feel better you pop on some Adele, or if you’re really fucked up, James Blunt. I will intervene at this point to say that if you are listening to James Blunt, you might actually need some sort of professional help.
There are days when I have so much to do and I know I need to get stuff done, but instead of being an adult, and doing them, I leave it to the last minute. It’s as if I’m some sick bitch that almost thrives off of the chance of anxiety. I never learn.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve tried on clothes and because nothing fits, I’ve gone into a mini depression and decided the only option is to EAT MORE. Yes Orla, that’s exactly how your chaffing inner thighs eroded away some heavy duty denim.
I think my favourite thing to do, when I’m feeling low is to go straight onto Instagram and creep on all of the gorge girls. You know, just to give myself another little knock. Why wouldn’t I compare myself to images of girls who have been filtered within an inch of their life. They look like zero banter, and probably use the aubergine emoji for it’s actual purpose, yet they still make me feel worse and it’s like heroin to me. I like to scroll and scroll through these tanned, skinny, Australian blonde feeds and judge myself. Thrill seeker to the max.
Self sabotage always comes into play after a breakup. I don’t know whether I go hunting for things on social media so that I can either 1. Prove myself right about something 2. Find something to justify why I loathe the bastard 3. Continue the sadness because I’m not really ready to get over it.
I have found after a breakup, the worst thing for me would be that I would troll the asshole. I knew more about their goings on then they did. I would stalk and stalk and stalk every social media platform. I would then stalk every single person who interacted with them on their social media. Oh Becky from Stillorgan liked your photo of your food two days ago? She wants to f*** you.
You see this is the thing- the more you creep, the more information you have. It might not be accurate, but all of a sudden, it’s so real to you and you’ve literally lost your mind. It can be hard enough getting over a situation you know to be true, without having to deal with the maybes. And if it isn’t something you’ve made up- if it’s something you’ve actually found out is fact- chances are if you’re going around actively trying to dig out information, then you aren’t ready to hear it in the first place. So put the phone down.
And when it comes to ex’s, it doesn’t just have to be about social media. I know you like Hogan’s, but he likes it more, and you know that. So don’t suggest to the girls that you should drink there on Saturday night because we all know what you really want to do you thirsty bitch and it doesn’t involve drinking in the slightest.
Another fantastic way to upset yourself is to obsess over someone’s ‘last active’. You see, checking it won’t actually give you the power to let them know you want a text. In fact, they’ll never know you checked when they were last online. They also won’t care that you checked. Want to know why? Because sometimes people are arseholes and don’t and won’t write back. There could be a million reasons for this. You’ll probably think of all of them, and you’ll probably never find out what the reason was. But listen, go check when he was last online so you can see he’s not ignoring other people- just you.
So here’s what I’ve learnt along with some tips to ensure you do not self sabotage anytime soon.
1. If you’re going to sit in a room and listen to a song that’s telling you ‘You’re Beautiful’, please let it be by Christina Aguilera and not that creepy fucker James.
2. Instead of trawling through your ex’s Instagram likes, just assume that every girl out there is an outright whore and his D is getting dipped in all sorts.
3. Bumping into your ex isn’t going to make you feel better. Bumping into the prick and bottling him will, so do that too xx
4. The best way to sabotage your love life is to write a column on being single. So don’t do that. Believe me, I didn’t think it was possible to cock block yourself but I’ve managed to find a way.
5. There are girls out there whose idea of flirting is liking pieces of chicken on an Ikea plate on someone’s Instagram. So you’re not doing too badly after all.
Until next week,
Orla x
